SSS Wrapped 2021

Welcome to SSS Wrapped 2021, where we’ll not only hand out awards and drop cash for your top (and bottom) GMs of 2021, but each of you will also get an award for being so … you.

Congratulations to GUNS for his 2nd SSS trophy, Piss for inexplicably avoiding the sacko, and the entire SSS for dodging a true reign of chaos.

Also, back by popular demand is *Rivalry Trophies*. Trophy logic:

• A rivalry trophy may be stolen via a season sweep, meaning the stealing team must win both of that year’s matchups OR if they play again in the playoffs, the team must win all three.
• If the trophy is not stolen, the incumbent retains the trophy

Read the piece to see who holds all rivalry trophies.

Final note: $1,150 in winnings will be sent out today and our dropout pot is now at $50.

Top Grossing Artist of 2021: Chicago Gunslingers

Final Place: 1st

Winnings: $695 ($500 for 1st, $100 most points, eight $10 awards, three $5 awards)

Rivalry Record: 2–0 (retains trophy over Clam)

Artist Comparison / Stage Name: Taylor Slingers

Guns just finished off one of the most dominant seasons of all time and while I don’t have enough time to do a bunch of stats on it, it’s probably up there with a plow season or two or Mamba 2018 in terms of power.

Additionally, he created a new tier (tier 2) in the SSS that he now occupies by himself- multi-win SSS franchises (plow owns tier 1 by himself of course). Congrats to our 2021 champion and good luck never having any picks every again.

Final words:

No one believed in us. All we had to do was believe in ourselves. Now we have two championship rings to plug our ears and block out the haters. That will be especially important moving forward with the lack of guys we have coming back.

Dead People’s Champ: Dead Pigeon

Final Place: 2nd

Winnings: $115 ($100 for 2nd, three $5 awards)

Rivalry Record:1–1 (he retains trophy over ROBO)

Artist Comparison / Stage Name: D(ead)MX

This is the In Memoriam part of the awards show, where each face on the screen is either one of Pigeon’s many injured (and disgruntled) players (Sanders -> Swift -> Saquon -> Son of Robin -> Julio -> and on and on) or underwhelming (and also disgruntled) players (Keenan -> Kyler -> etc). He didn’t have the juice to make it through to the end but we will all remember how calm and humble he was in his last days.

Just remember: If you want a championship, Dead gon Give it to ya.

Last words:

Pigeon could not be reached for comment.

Legend Past His Prime but Still Producing: PL0W

Final Place: 3rd

Winnings: $60 ($60 for 3rd, no awards)

Rivalry Record: 2–0 (retains trophy over Mamba)

Artist Comparison / Stage Name: Bob Dylplow

This is the award for that Bob-Dylan-style artist who, sure, used to be incredible and changed the way we think about manipulating our friends into bad deals, but we hoped we’d be rid of by now in favor of something fresher.

But even though Pl0w isn’t really learning any new tricks, it turns out that being best-in-class at the old ones still goes a long way in a post-postmodern society. A quick recap of his trade with Hags:

• Hurts for Lamar (Pl0w got the better QB),
• Fournette for Sony (Pl0w got the better RB)
• 3 years of Kittle at *full market* price for (a) 4 years of the WR who caught the most passes of any rookie of all time *at rookie price*, (b) 4 years of the WR who set the Eagles franchise receiving record *at rookie price*, (c ) another 1st round pick which ended up being a lottery pick because Hags missed the playoffs, and (d) a 3rd because why the hags not

Four championships, a runner up, and now a 3rd place are enough trophies to lean on when you’re setting up your future like this.

Final words:

The Plow Franchise believes in our team building process and expects continued regular season and postseason success. Plow also congratulates Guns on becoming the 2nd SSS franchise to have multiple championships. That said, the “Quest for Five” is already in full swing for Plow. The league is now on notice. Finally, Plow is pleased to hear continued rumors of active roster expansion and welcomes this upcoming change.

Sophomore Surprise: ICARUS: REIGN OF CHAOS

Final Place: 4th

Winnings: $65 ($45 for 4th, one $10 award, two $5)

Rivalry Record: 1–1 (chod retains trophy)

Artist Comparison / Stage Name: Chaos at the Disco

It’s Pretty. Odd. that Icarus not only won in 2020 but also that he came back this strong in 2022. We’ll give him some respect but at the same time we wonder whether his success will in his mind reinforce his “picks are worthless” strategy and hamper his future success for like, forever.

Final words:

Must believe 2021 was my highest scoring year ever despite the record. 2022 surely on pace to be even better. Gotta think I’m enemy number one as far as title contender.

Best Artist w/ Bad PR: CHOD

Final Place: 5th
Winnings: $82.50 ($35 for 5th, three $10 awards, 3.5 $5 awards)
Rivalry Record: 1–1 (retains trophy over FLY)
Artist Comparison / Stage Name: Vampire Weekchod

Chod dropped a ton of hits early in the year, but by the time awards season came around he was an afterthought next to some of the players with the most recent releases. He’ll be a favorite for 2022 and if the Seahawks can finally get someone competent under center, maybe DK will blossom into the receiver CHOD knows he can be.

Final words:

No comment, love chod

Cult Hero: Boston Clamjammers

Final Place: 6th

Winnings: $45 ($20 for 6th, two $10 awards, one $5)

Rivalry Record: 0–2 (Guns retains trophy)

Artist Comparison / Stage Name: Hootie and the Blowclams

Call him Darius Shucker - Clam has a hankering for New England style country and his passion for everything else (including fantasy football) just doesn’t quite compare.

He came away with a nice Saquon trade (to make up for his disastrous 2020 Saquon trade) and a decent run to the playoffs, so like Hootie he’ll settle for being a local hero.

Clam was too busy jamming to be reached for comment.

Critical Flop: Revenge of the Sea Hags

Final Place: 7th

Winnings: $50 ($25 for 7th, two $10 awards, one $5)
Rivalry Record: 1–1 (retains trophy over FAWX)

Artist Comparison / Stage Name: Imagine Hagons

Hags had one of the least critically acclaimed (see #12) seasons of all time, going from early season favorite to late season floporite.

The talent is there, the focus is (mostly) there, and the expectations were there which is the reason that Hags’s performance, while not horrible, is a massive critical and popular disappointment compared to what could’ve been.

We’ve been over The Trade (Remember Remember the 15th of September) and everyone remembers The Haggening (Dalvin and the Chubbmunks) enough times that rewriting in this paragraph would feel a little bit like what I imagine waterboarding someone would (I wouldn’t know I swear).

So let’s look forward, past the lack of 2022 draft pick and the vacuum left by the dispersion of his really nice 2021 draft, to the future of

Final words:

We at hags feel cautiously optimistic. We feel we’ve been taught a difficult lesson while being spared the worst consequence, and we look forward to a future of hard fought wins, narrow losses, and unbridled glory. Nary a waffle will touch these lips without consent, believe you me.

Breakout Newcomer: Fawkes F.F.C.

Final Place: 8th

Winnings: $15 ($15 for 8th, no awards)

Rivalry Record: 1–1 (Hags retains trophy)

Artist Comparison / Stage Name: Olivia Fawxrigo

Her album really wasn’t that great but I think the kids were just glad they didn’t have to keep listening to their daddy’s records. Fawx did a few things daddy couldn’t (beat mamba, beat hags, finish better than 10th, etc.) and now has his 2022 sights set on that playoff spot that daddy didn’t dream of.

Fawx was too busy camping to be reached for comment.

One Hit Wonder: AI Takeover

Final Place: 9th

Winnings: $12.50 ($10 for 9th, half of a $5 award)

Rivalry Record: 1–1 (Dead retains trophy)

Artist Comparison / Stage Name: Lil Nas Robo

2015 is now a long time ago (three whole pandemics ago, to be precise) and Robo hasn’t done much since. He’s in danger of being just another bad franchise in the SSS.

Final words:

Ja’Marr Chase.

Not even the best artist in a genre nobody cares about anymore: Cannibals

Final Place: 10th

Winnings: $0 ($0 for 10th, no awards)

Rivalry Record: 1–1 (retains trophy over PISS)

Artist Comparison / Stage Name: My Cannibals Romance

YUMY used to be good but it seems like it was like 10 years ago. He’s got AJ Brown and Elijah Mitchell but besides that it just seems like he’s just got too many mouths to feed and not enough emos to eat.

Final words:

Our team was total garbage this year but we managed to fleece some other owners out of their picks so things are looking up between that and some solid contracts in AJ Brown, Elijah Mitchell, Rhamondre Stevenson and Javonte Williams. Additionally, we managed to avoid waffle stomping ourselves into the toilet bowl, so that’s nice.

Good at One Thing, Bad at Everything Else: Bedwetters

Final Place: 11th

Winnings: $5 ($0 for 11th, one $5 award)

Rivalry Record: 1–1 (YUMY retains trophy)

Artist Comparison / Stage Name: Pissatonix

Piss’s eye for college football is obvious, but you can’t just take that and expand it into an entire fantasy strategy forsaking everything else. Sure, our mothers in law are obsessed with Pentatonix and yes they’re tolerable once a year at Christmas, but come on now.

Piss could not be reached for comment, but his 2022 franchise co-owner (blood / meat claws) could:

Suspicions of insider trading are unfounded and cannot be proved in any material way. We look forward to a productive off season that will, at a minimum, prevent spending 24 hours less the number of waffles consumed inside a Waffle House, or alternative just punishment.

2021 Sacko: The White Mamba

Final Place: 12th

Winnings: $5 ($0 for 12th, one $5 award)

Rivalry Record: 0–2 (Plow retains trophy)

Sackos don’t get artist comparisons. They’re scum of the earth, filth between our bows. Bring on the waffles.

Sackos don’t get to comment.